If AusNTM is palatable, then another American ripoff is pukeworthy. I was like SO excited when I heard that a show called “MasterChef” would be premiering. I even marked it in my calendar to remind myself (because, once again, I wouldn’t normally expect a much-hyped primetime show to debut at 7:30 pm)! But unfortunately, the show is like Top Chef’s retarded cousin. First of all, the auditions were held American Idol-style, meaning the three judges went around to all the cities and had people prepare meals in five minutes for them to sample. Then the three judges vote yes/no just like on Idol.

And these hopeful contestants aren’t, you know, professional chefs who work in restaurants or anything. They’re part-time DJ’s, call-centre managers, and truck drivers. One dude is a former pro golfer. I don’t want to see ordinary people make pasta and roast chicken! I want turkey lollipops and cranberry gelee (Marcel), or bacon and waffles ice cream (Ilan), or salmon sous vide (Richard Blais), or like anything that Carla cooked!

The fun of Top Chef is that they make amazingly inventive food that’s [generally] mouthwateringly appetizing. And they’re usually obnoxious egomaniacs who are great to watch on TV. All these MasterChef types are totally humble and like, “Oh, gosh! I can’t believe they picked little old me because I cooked my grandmother’s recipe! I sure hope I don’t mess up, but oh boy am I nervous!” Seriously, the interviews are so freaking bland because they all say the same shit every time. The only entertaining lines come from the Simon Cowell-esque judge, Matt Preston, who is considered the country’s top food critic. Unfortunately, this is what he looks like:

Who's hungry?

Who's hungry?

I mean Jesus, at this point I would almost take Toby Young. That’s a lie, I never ever want to see Toby Young on my TV again (which is sad because he’s allegedly returning for the next season of Top Chef). Anyway, the only redeeming quality of this show is that it’s on like three times a week. I don’t really know why, I guess that’s just how they roll with reality TV shows here because Australia’s Biggest Loser was also on like every night, too. Oh man, I feel so out of control without a DVR and a programming guide. Get me Foxtel, stat!